It’s stunning how my strong opposition to child transitioning — and my general acknowledgement of gender dysphoria as a mental illness, not an identity — has been twisted into accusations not just of transphobia, but homophobia. Yet I’ve never once suggested that these minority groups should be mistreated. And I sure as hell don’t fear them.
In fact, I have a history of advocating for the rights of the lesbian, gay, and bisexual communities — back when there was still a necessary fight to be had.
I remember the first time I casually told my parents I supported same-sex marriage. My myopic mother responded, “David, do you have something to tell us?” Yeah, Mom. Because obviously anyone who believes in equal rights for homosexuals must be homosexual themselves. Makes perfect sense. By that logic, I guess all the white people who fought to end slavery were actually Black, right? It couldn’t possibly be driven by something like, gee, I dunno… empathy??
I wasn’t always immune to that kind of ignorance — though only when I was much younger and didn’t know better. I still remember watching X-Men and learning that Ian McKellen, who played Magneto, was gay. I was disappointed. I even told a couple of my cousins I had loved his acting but felt betrayed. Can you imagine?
I’m ashamed I ever thought that way, but at the time, I was steeped in the narrow-minded teachings of a staunchly Catholic household. Free thinking, in general, was discouraged — to such a degree that my parents threatened to pull support for my college education simply because I enrolled in a philosophy elective.
College broadened my perspective even further. By 2005, I had evolved enough that my younger cousin Peter — one of my closest cousins in our massive extended family — chose me to come out to. I was honored. In that moment, I realized just how far I had come from the closed-minded attitudes that had once suffocated me into unconscious compliance.
Remarkably, I recently came across that old conversation with Peter — from the days when AOL Instant Messenger still ruled the world. It had somehow survived on a backup hard drive:
Evakian [PETER]: I'd prefer you not speak of this to anyone, especially no one in my family, not even joseph, but...i am struggling with having to tell my parents something... Evakian: One thing you probably didn't know about me is that i am gay, much to my displeasure, and it is getting increasingly difficult to get along with my mother as a result ComicsGn [ME]: ah i see ComicsGn: does she actually know? Evakian: she has not the slightest idea in hell ComicsGn: well for the record im honored that you felt open enough to tell me Evakian: tell anyone and ill kill you ;-) ComicsGn: haha no worries. i recommend you inform your parents asap tho. ComicsGn: despite how hard it would be, it'll be known eventually anyways ComicsGn: best to get it over with Evakian: yes, but that would be a crushing thing to know ComicsGn: truth can be painful. i for one am fine with it Evakian: they aren't ComicsGn: i'd say thats their problem then ComicsGn: they need to deal with it ComicsGn: keeping it quiet is likely what causes some of your depression Evakian: from their point of view- their religion tells them it is wrong (which is balantantly false and nowhere in Christs quotes), socially unacceptable, and they will have no grandchildren Evakian: as if i cannot adopt ComicsGn: i say tell 'em. if they decide to be shitty about it, fuck 'em Evakian: i waffle around, in reality i know that i am bisexual because i could care less about someones sex..that is irrelevant, what is more important to me is finding love ComicsGn: which is admirable Evakian: and then if i do change in the future, what then? Hey mom and dad, im not gay anymore! ComicsGn: you could tell them that you're struggling with the fact that you might be gay, and that you want their support Evakian: then they'll send me to some fascist camp ComicsGn: resist Evakian: i actually prepared an email because i am too chicken to tell them in person ComicsGn: other family members will back you up ComicsGn: know that i'm in your corner, and im sure most of the "hip" cousins will be too Evakian: either way, i want to pick a day when no one will be in the house but me and my mother Evakian: then perhaps i will explain it to her ComicsGn: yes, first opportunity you get. it'll be tough, but it's gotta be done Evakian: But being gay would be quite apparent, my aversion to sports and preference of poetry...even today i had a discussion with some girls about what a "romantic evening is"..one boy said "burn some rubber!", i said...an evening walk along the beach and maybe a poem ComicsGn: or perhaps your an artist ComicsGn: hah Evakian: hopeless romantic ;-) ComicsGn: i prefer poetry over sports any day Evakian: FAiry! ComicsGn: hah Evakian: :-D Evakian: Well, there is a good chance it is just a temporary stage because for the first couple years of adolesence i was "straight"...and those still remain as remnants, i will still be attracted to an attractive woman :-), sort of a reflex ComicsGn: which is fine, you don't need to know your preference yet Evakian: i suppose Evakian: i will just use the term, im a lover ;-) ComicsGn: heh Evakian: rofl Evakian: if worse comes to worse, i can always start an internet business :-) ComicsGn: bada bing Evakian: i am going to study journalism probably ComicsGn: good, its worthwhile i think Evakian: so i can travel and write Evakian: movie critic, political columnist, game reviewer, poet, editor Evakian: and so on with journalism ComicsGn: yea Evakian: if it gets really bad i will sue mcdonalds for making me gay ComicsGn: hahaha Evakian: and ill get a million dollars ComicsGn: i bet you'd win too Evakian: yep, one cop spilled coffee and burned his tongue (but it says caution: hot!) and he won ComicsGn: i believe it ComicsGn: and with that, i gotsta get goin ComicsGn: college shit to do Evakian: ta ta Evakian: have fun ComicsGn: indeed ComicsGn: and good luck Evakian: thanks, ill need it ComicsGn: just stay strong and confident, don't let 'em bring you down Evakian: and as for you, tell no one :-X ComicsGn: of course Evakian signed off at 10:23:36 PM.
Peter waited another year or two, but eventually came out to his entire immediate family — both parents and his three siblings. He told his father in the presence of a therapist because he feared a physically violent response. His dad said he would always love Peter — but also made it clear he’d have no part in his life if he ever had a male partner.
His mother, calm at first, later went online researching Christian camps to “fix him,” and either carelessly or deliberately left the browser open for Peter to find. He called me in tears and said, “My mother thinks I’m broken.” I assured him he wasn’t, but it was of little comfort.
His younger sister rejected him entirely — though they were never especially close to begin with. His brother — one of my other closest cousins, and once one of the wisest people I knew (until he lost his mind to the woke mind virus and COVID hysteria) — accepted Peter unconditionally. As for his older sister, she didn’t have much of a response either way. I told him to count her neutrality as a win.
Our extended family never found out. Many of them were openly opposed to gay rights — against marriage, civil unions, the right to adopt, all of it. Peter overheard these opinions at times and, living in Texas, he no doubt encountered even harsher derision from outside the family. They hurt him, but he tolerated it in silence.
Several of my aunts and uncles wanted Rick Santorum to be president at the time — one of the most openly anti-gay politicians I’ve ever heard speak, even to this day. That’s when I truly realized the depth of the chasm between me and my family. I had always known they were traditional, Bible-thumping neoconservative hypocrites — but I hadn’t fully grasped that they were just straight-up bigots.
And for what reason? Because they believed homosexuality was immoral?
Opposition to gay rights is rooted almost entirely in religious ideology, which has no place in legal discourse. Just because a court could issue a marriage license didn’t mean churches would be obligated to perform gay weddings. That nuance for maintaining separation of Church and State, to me, always felt like a simple way to respect both sides of the divide.
But rather than spiral further down the political rabbit hole, I’d rather share something more meaningful: Peter’s public coming-out letter, published in his college newspaper in Austin, Texas. I found it on that same old hard drive, and it’s just as powerful to read now as it was then.
Peter Walkowicz (January 30, 2008):
Last year I was seated in school on an indolent afternoon, and overheard the prime news story of the day — Jerry Falwell passed away. The student next to me said, regarding the late minister, “My dad taught me to never insult the dead, but good riddance.” The comment’s profanity is edited out, though the passion still stands.
As I returned home my parents were watching television, sad to see the same man die. There were sighs and near tears as the news station talking head attempted to eulogize Rev. Falwell. The disparity in their reactions was, I supposed, the difference in generation. To the generation of my mother, he was a rallying figure for Christian revival in the same vein as Billy Graham or Pat Robertson. To my adolescent, he was a bigot towards, though certainly not limited to, homosexuals.
So here stands an issue quite common in the political spectrum. I visited New York and happened upon a Gay Pride Parade several summers ago. In the newspaper Arnold Schwarzenegger was attending a banquet for Log Cabin Republicans not too many moons ago. And most recently, the presidential candidates were called by LOGO, a GLBT television channel, to hold a forum on gay-rights issues. No Republicans showed, and few Democrats made an appearance, with only one of them in favor of full equal rights for homosexuals.
The same people who quote the Bible to defend their opposition to gay rights are the same group who oppose welfare programs, despite the smattering of condemnations of homosexuality in the older half of the tome versus the plentiful appearance of economic outreach in the newer half, the one supposedly more valued by Christianity. Also, the same people who purportedly endorse gay rights still stand to lose political clout should they share those ideals, leading to a candidate with 1% popularity in the polls being the only one to do so.
Herein lies signs of a major issue that modern society must face; an issue that affects a sizable minority and their families as well. Violence against homosexuals is not uncommon, nor is censuring them in the media—a media in which they are largely used for comic relief. It could be considered an outrage that the term “gay” is even used pejoratively. Our nation’s letter of the law has, and its Supreme Court has aided in, defending government from being overtaken by religious-fueled bigotry as well as defending equal rights.
So I must ask, why the majority of this nation, even in the free press, stands in opposition to several million of its own citizens. The state of Texas largely disapproves, my community largely disapproves, even my family absolutely disapproves, yet here I stand. Science has stripped us of our misconceptions about the bubonic plague, the nature of the Solar System, and our own sexual biology.
In the face of fact, society still cannot stand with its arms outstretched to me or millions like me. Orphanages fill up, but I cannot adopt a child. Our soldiers overseas must be sent back repeatedly to Iraq due to low troop numbers, yet I cannot serve in the armed forces. Millions of people benefit from the financial and emotional bond of marriage in other countries (not to exclude certain states here), though I must remain in the shadow of shame, on a societal scale, alone. I must live in fear that co-workers or friends will disown me, I must worry that it will affect my ability to find housing or employment, and I certainly cannot find a place in our nation’s government.
The shame experienced in the declaration of homosexuality is something that largely must be shed by modern gays and lesbians, and so I shed it. I am a homosexual, I am not an invalid, and I will be respected. My hope is that my generation shares the view of my former classmate, who knows, love is not to be made illegal.
On October 12, 2009, I was on my way back from a camping in the Adirondacks when Peter’s brother texted me the news: Peter had leapt to his death from a seven-story parking garage.
How much of his decision was driven by his struggles with depression? How much of that depression was fueled by the discrimination he faced as a gay man in conservative Texas — even from his own family? Only he could have answered those questions definitively, but it’s fair to say that without one or the other he’d likely still be here today.
Joseph, his brother, was also prone to severe bouts of depression, so I knew I had to be there — for my own closure, yes, but more importantly to make sure history didn’t repeat itself.
When I arrived at the house in The Woodlands, Texas, about a couple dozen members of the extended family were already gathered. His mother rushed over and hugged me. She knew how close Peter and I had been and asked if I had any idea why he’d taken his own life. As much as I resented her, I knew inflicting more pain on a grieving mother wouldn’t benefit anyone. So I held my tongue and answered delicately: “He struggled with his lifestyle.”
She gave me a concerned look and pulled me aside, out of earshot of everyone. In a hushed voice, she asked, “What did you mean by that?”
I said, “Aunt Dodie… you know he was gay.”
She paused, squeezed my arm, and said firmly but with a faint smile, “Well, we only want to remember the good things about Peter.”
Only harsh words came to mind, so I simply nodded and quickly walked away in disgust in search of the wine bottles I noticed were in the kitchen. There was no sign of shame in her. No hint of guilt. No change of heart. No lessons had been learned. Nothing. I was surrounded by a family of stubborn bigots — people who mourned Peter’s death while simultaneously believing he was now burning in a lake of fire.
It was nauseating — and it marked the beginning of the end of my relationship with much of my extended family. They were in a cult, not a religion.
It’s one thing to have conflicting belief system. But their brazen hypocrisy — especially as self-proclaimed Christians worshipping a man whose primary message was to love they neighbor— obliterated any respect I once had for them. Peter’s death cemented my passion for supporting LGB rights. I had already developed empathy for the cause, but his tragic, avoidable demise had made it personal. Deeply personal. Permanent.
Which is why I must make one thing painfully clear: my opposition to the chemical castration and physical butchery of children — under the fictional guise of “gender-affirming care” — as well as the invasion of women’s spaces by biological males cosplaying as women — has never, and will never, stem from hate.
It comes from a recognition of predatory industries dressed cloaked in virtue-signaling nonsense to disguise their lust for profit, division, and power. It comes out of a defense of children and real women. It comes from objective, scientific truth. It comes from love.
The last thing I ever want to witness again is a young person suffering because of sheer, blinding ignorance. I’ve seen the consequences firsthand.
Wow. As a gay man who is a regular reader of this SubStack, I am deeply moved, especially by the way the tragic death of your cousin at such a young age has shaped your perspective.
Wow. As a gay man who is a regular reader of this SubStack, I am deeply moved, especially by the way the tragic death of your cousin at such a young age has shaped your perspective.